Ode to Internet Dating

A friend posted a blog about the stigma associated with meeting people over the internet. It's sad really. If there were stigmata associated with meeting people over the internet it would be much more interesting.

• Hey Susan, how'd you meet your new boyfriend?
• Oh, well Jackie, it's kind of interesting. We started messaging each other in some chat room my son was in. Turns out, my new boyfriend and I were both checking up on what our kids were doing in the chat room and, well, one thing led to another, and we decided to meet for coffee.
• That's so sweet. So is that why your palms are gushing blood all over my new carpet?
• Yeah, sorry about that. It isn't bothering you is it?

But who are we, really, when it comes down to it? Whether it's a soundbite of ourselves on MySpace, or a soundbite of ourselves over a glass of wine, or a soundbite of our orgasm while our face is buried in a pillow, it's all just a bunch of soundbites. Getting to know someone takes time, no matter the medium. Stigma should be attached to anyone who meets other people, no matter what. Meeting people is the dirtiest thing ever. Shaking grimy hands, ewww. At least with sex there is enough alcohol on your breath to disinfect everything you touch/stick it in.

However, while internet hookups should be stigma free . . . wait, did I say hook ups? I meant "dating" . . . meeting people on eHarmony.com should be stigmatized and stigmatatized. I mean, you fill out a survey about yourself and then a bunch of partners are chosen for you. The business plan is a combination of arranged marriage and your friendly neighborhood psychic. That aside, I am a bit suspicious about who is really behind it all. In the commercial, the guy selling the site is a nice old man that bears a slight resemblance to Colonel Sanders and that preacher guy Schuler that dwells in the Crystal Cathedral in California. Fried things and motivational messages are both very comforting, so it is no surprise the "founder" of the site just "happens" to look like "grandpa". The guy has to be a fraud. It's just too perfect. And when things are too perfect, there can only be one thing behind it:

Nazis. Perfection was their thing and purity was their goal. Their business plan generally went something like this - screen those that want to mate so that we only have smart straight whitey fucking smart straight whitey. I can see the little-Hitler's now, brainstorming their way into this century: give a survey to those that want to mate; put it on the internet to make it safe and inviting by making a father figure as it's spokesperson (giggle); identify any characteristics inherent in the applicant's racial make-up through this survey; might even get them to check the box identifying themselves as anything but whitey (giggle); include small tests throughout the survey to identify stupidity (giggle, this is too easy); then the matches made through the website will be completely controlled; as people become more and more dependent on finding mates through the internet, the world will be filled with smart straight white people! Mwhaa hahahahahahaha.

Don't fall for it people. Don't allow your mates to be chosen for you. We need to randomize our sex lives to prevent this sort of catastrophe. Dope yourself up on whatever is under the bathroom sink (listerine), slather on whatever smells good in your medicine cabinet, hit up a college nite at your local pub (every nite at the Hawk), sign your latest paycheck over to the bartender, and buy all those horny pre-med casanova's a few rounds. If you don't get gangbanged, you'll at least get a dork to do you. Or better yet, a multi-racial gay retard.

We can defeat those who wish to control our lives, yes we can.