Her M-ness

Last week, Madonna was seen partying at a club that is "right now" in NYC. Her booth was inhabited by a number of other celebs who happened to be at the club that Madonna graciously allowed to party with her. Dancing on tables, sharing the wealth, all that celeb stuff went down.

Two booths away, a wardrobe malfunction victim sat uninvted to the party within the party. Janet, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty, sat on her booty with her crew. What a fun night that had to be for her . . . watching her Madgesty making it reign, while Janet slummed it with her hoody rappy hubby.

So why did Madonna snub the now Mrs. Janet?

Madonna has an album coming out this fall with all-star hoody rappy sexy poppy superstar partnership Timbahlanderlake. In her infinite wisdom, Madonna realized that the inroads she made with the younger amongst us with her last album must be nurtured with fresh hip-hop beats and a fresh hairstyle (let's hope it's not cornrows). Deep in the Brooklyns and Harlems of this world, the current crop of kids listen to rap, hip-hop, and Hung Up. And whatever they listen to, middle America listens to as well, just sandwiched between church services. Her coming album is a sure fire number one platinum blonde record.

In stark contrast, over the past few years Mrs. Janet married a hoody rappy record producer and they did the nasty in the recording studio. Unfortunately, their baby was equally nasty. Did you hear that lame single and see that super lame video? It bombed, everywhere.

And Madonna, knowing that she will soon be the next best thing yet again, did what any good cheerleader would do: snub the loser girl. Madonna just can't have bad karma and bad body piercings hanging around, ruining all that she is contriving herself to be this album around.

Warm and All Wet

Remember when having clean air and clean water was enough? Apparently now everything positive we do for the environment must be tied to our impending broiling by Global Warming. It's become a religion. Some do things in the name or their god, and if the things they do are without reason we call them crazy zealots. Some do things in the name of Global Warming, and we just call them Oscar winners. Their script/scripture is simple: we are absolutely, undeniably frying ourselves.

Some of us never read that in the book of Revelation, and plenty of scientists haven't read it in their tea leaves either, but that doesn't stop some people from forgetting to keep their church and their state separate.

Case in point: the mile high city. The city government (and the resident hippies/retirees) have decided to become martyrs by raising taxes on consumers and generally denying themselves some modern "conveniences" with their Climate Action Plan to save the world from Global Warming. I applaud the effort and the good it may bring about but not the rationale. Clean up your city, Denver, clean up your water, be better stewards of your city's resources. But don't make your citizens pay a tax/tithe to Global Warming so you can achieve sainthood. It's all a bit, well, crazy zealot.

Instead, join my church, and start praying we don't get hit by an Asteroid!!! It's gonna happen people and we have no way to stop it! Don't believe me? There are 10 documentaries coming out about it next year, all hosted by people who created the internet who know a lot about Asteroids and the danger they present. All 10 documentaries reach the same conclusion: we need to start taxing people everytime they engage in activites that take their eyes away from the sky. Why? Because we need as many people as possible keeping watch for that killer Asteroid, that's why you idiot!!! Are you that stupid that you can't figure out how to drink the Kool-Aid? You can't keep your head in the sand forever!!! Everytime a star twinkles it could be because an Asteroid passed in front of the star just at that moment and you have to warn everyone about it!!! Or it could be because of astronomical scintillation (google it if you must), but it MIGHT not be!!! Furthermore, the money we raise from those taxes can then be spent on a giant super laser capable of destroying any incoming Asteroid . . . and while we wait for that Asteroid we can aim the super laser at the Moon, just to make sure it isn't seduced by those shifty Asteroids into joining their team.

At least those of us in the fight against Asteroids can still turn on a light bulb without thinking that was the one watt of energy, from the one coal burning power plant, that released the one carbon emission that sent us all to our doom. Cuz you know CNN would track that shit down like it was a hanging chad and you would have one really bad day for being "that guy". On the other hand, perhaps I do like the self-righteousness that comes with thinking that turning off my lights saved everyone on the planet . . .

Go for it Global Warming zealots. Turn off your light bulbs. What? You already have? Well maybe that explains a lot more than I thought.