Couple things

Couple things:

Last night I arrived home to find my most recent music purchase in my mailbox. Finally. Air mail from Australia takes longer than I expected. When I studied for a semester there I heard a song and saw a video for the song "Just the Thing" by PaulMac. Last year he released another album, "Panic Room". I waited and waited, but Itunes never picked it up. So I broke down and bought the double disc album, which was pretty cheap because our US dollar still trumps the AU dollar by about 50%. And I'm loving it. I've heard all the tracks before, but they sound a lot better on my ipod then from a webstream.

Yesterday, while catching my breath on a weight machine at the gym, a guy in his mid-forties climbed aboard the reclining ab bench thing . . . whatever it's called . . . grabbed a medicine ball, and proceeded to do crunches while tossing the ball in the air from side to side above his torso. I've seen this excercise described in MensHealth. I've seen other guys do it at the gym. I've even thought about doing it myself. But this guy should not have been doing it.

Throwing a ball into the air requires some hand eye coordination. Have you ever watched two girls toss a ball back and forth and just cringe because it's only a matter of time before one of them gets hurt or something gets broken or spilled? That's what it was like watching this guy . . . he was ackwardly tossing it to himself and then he looked afraid when it was coming back toward him and he had to catch it. Whether he accomplished anything for his abs is debatable, but I'm sure his blood pressure spiked as he was subjected to playing catch with himself.

Props to him for trying something new tho. Probly not easy teaching his old dog of a body new tricks. I'm just hoping that by that time in my life I will have a home gym where I can look incredibly ridiculous all by myself.

In the end . . .

So Uli didn't win. Even after I made her my official official prediction. Next time, she should follow in the steps of her east german countrywomen and take steroids. How that would help, I don't know, but maybe steroids would help realign the universe.

No one can blame me for picking Uli . . . all 12 people watching with me at my place, when it came down to Jeffrey and Uli, picked Uli to win. Her collection was absolutely gorgeous and made us all go "wow". It was just so pretty! Most thought it should have been between Uli and Laura. Apparently we know nothing.

Or perhaps it just made for a better story for Jeffrey to win. Bad boy redemption and all.

But just as all reality shows go, successive seasons can become increasingly less fabulous. This season was, by far, the most "produced". Every other episode Tim Gunn was running in saying "Designers, can you gather 'round? I have an announcement to make. You only have until the end of the day to finish", when originally they had been given until the end of the next day. How can a good designer plan anything around complete randomness? I'm sure that it simulates "real life" when you are designing for bitchy celebrities, but even celebrities cannot suddenly make the Emmys or the Oscars happen a day early.

In a discussion with a co-worker, she mentioned some tidbits she picked up in an article she read recently. The article talked about how the designers in this season, although thoroughly fucked with, demonstrated superior skill to prior seasons. For example, sleeves were a regular part of pieces this season . . . in prior seasons, sleeves were almost always avoided. My co-worker went as far to say that the skill level this season was so much higher, that even Michael's collection would have stacked up against the likes of Chloe and Jay.

With that, I must disagree. If this season proved anything, it's that the producers shouldn't allow the original model to be fucked with. Who had the worst dress in the final regular season competition? Michael. Who had the worst collection in the finale? Michael. Who should have been kicked off instead of included in the finale? Michael. Yes, he was a fan favorite. He was a super guy, one of the good guys who has so much potential you want to give him the trophy before his time just to validate his potential. But in the end, that decision to include him made the show suffer.

Instead of 3 collections in the finale, they had to squeeze 4 collections into an hour show. The result was less time spent on showing the pieces on the runway. Instead of long shots on models working the runway, we were shown the front and back of each piece for maybe a second. Quality, not quantity, should rule.

It is also true that the designers this season were only given 2 months to work on their collections. Prior seasons had 4 - 6 months. Is this a testament to the skill of this season's designers that they put it all together in such a short amount of time? Or does shortening the time frame allow the least talented to better compete with the most talented?

In my opinion, there was a clear winner in season's one and two. When Jay's pieces walked down the runway they were unique AND pretty. When Chloe's pieces walked down the runway they were unique AND pretty. I didn't have to ponder "is that innovative or ugly?" It just jumped out and grabbed you as such. None of the collections this season had both. Uli's collection was the most pretty, in a way that wasn't boring. Was it innovative? Apparently not to the incomparable Nina Garcia, Michael Kors, Heidi Klum, and non-celebrity guest judge (is it really that hard to find someone with some name recognition to judge for this thing now?). Jeffrey's was definitely the most innovative, but did not evoke a great emotional response like Uli's did. And at times, his innovation seemed tawdry. Maybe in real life, or in high-definition (Bravo, seriously, you have to put this show in HD), the tawdry impression disappears. Perhaps, had the desingers been given 4 - 6 months, Uli or Jeffrey would have found what their collections appeared to lack and the superiority would have materialized.

Maybe, given more time, Laura could have worked her way out of her rut. Maybe Michael would have aged a bit more like the fine wine everyone says he will someday be. Or at least he would have grown tired of all that animal print and sold all that crap to the local Naughty Nites lingerie store.

Or maybe what we all just really want to see is Project Runway All-Stars. Let's stack some of these personalities that didn't win the first time around against each other. Keith can come back for some of his own bad boy redemption. Allison can make it to the final and wow us all. Andre can rekindle his Red Lobster romance with Tim Gunn. And for the group competition, Nick, Kayne, and Austin Scarlett can team up to make an evening gown so fabulous it produces spontaneous female orgasm.

It's over, it's done, I'm moving on with my life. But if Uli is looking for investors for her new line, I have a jar full of change that gets filled up every couple months or so that I am more than willing to invest.

Runway Prediction

Ok, I hate to have to do this, but I'm bored and need to entertain myself.

Ask anyone, but my own wardrobe is a bit predictable and blue. When I find something that makes me look good, I give it lots of near-identical twins to hang next to in my closet. When I do happen upon a totally new aesthetic, it doesn't take me long to wear it into the ground. My uniform, as my standbys are sometimes called by my friends, can get stale to those who see me often. To those who don't see me often, it's called put together well.

Even tho I get stuck in ruts when dressing myself, I think I have some clue when it comes to pretty vs. unpretty in fashion. I am especially good at identifying unpretty on other people. My ego related to this skill was somewhat inflated over the past two years by my accurate predictions of who would win the first two seasons of Project Runway.

Before I get ahead of myself I must explain the context of these 100% accurate predictions. First, neither prediction came before I viewed the final runway show. Second, both predictions were announced verbally, by me, to others in the room. Third, I was not drunk at the time.

I am not drunk now, but I hesitate to put a prediction out there for this third season of Project Runway before actually seeing the final runway show. Thanks to YouTube, some individuals posted montages of photos taken of each contestants' collections. Crude, yes, but enlightening nonetheless. Just as a cockwhore cannot predict the ultimate size of a man's erect penis from a single, lifeless, flaccid photo, seeing each dress of each collection in motion is vital for savants like myself to accurately predict their pretty payoff. So the thoughts that follow do not count as my official prediction. Not that I really care if you think it is . . . even if I get this year wrong I'll still be batting .666 . . . better than you most likely. Batting the average of the anti-christ is kind of cool too . . . not something I'd share to pick up at the bar, but I am not averse to it as I hold no allegiance to the anti-christ's evil nemesis.

From these montages, I make the following observations:
Laura designed a lot of boring stuff, kind of like during the season. It almost seemed like she designed 3 pieces, ran them thru her Xerox machine, and then let her kids fuck with them just enough to call them "different". Michael designed a lot of hoochie stuff, kind of like during the season. None of it looked well put together . . . maybe messy is the right word, and not in a good Jeffrey-messy. Uli designed a lot of interesting pieces that made me think "cool" and "I expected that, but not quite in that way". Jeffrey designed a lot of interesting pieces that made me think "you cheated so you are off the show."

Without Jeffrey, I am left with Uli. Sweet, uncompromising, party-girl Uli. It appears to me that she maintained her point of view, but elevated her work with interesting designs and contruction. It appears she accomplished what the judges want - a consistent, visually pleasing, innovative collection. Thus, Uli is my 100% hedged, official unofficial, prediction for winner of Project Runway season 3.

Made to work

This world is made to function properly. When you hit the elevator button, the elevator arrives. When you turn the page in a book, the story continues on the next page. When you assemble your new West Elm king size bed, the legs fit into the frame.

Occasionally, things go awry. The Fritos don't quite make it to the bottom of the vending machine. The toilet doesn't flush. Your credit card gets declined when you know you have a credit limit high enough to buy a small car.

But I strongly encourage everyone to think before they complain about how the world isn't functioning properly . . . because user error is the more likely cause.

Recently I listened to the rants of an online shopping website user. He had recently received a promotional code entitling him to some free item. His complaint was that the entire promotion was a fraud because when he went to the website and registered there was no place for him to enter his promotional code. The whole experience made him frustrated enough that he repeated the story three times.

Now, let's breath for a second, and think this thru: a huge corporation invests time and money in a huge promotion, sends out thousands (if not millions) of promotional codes, and yet somehow forgets to take the time to add the key ingredient in the promotion (the ability to redeem the code) to its website. I found it hard to believe, and rightly so.

As the story came to its third conclusion, another guy in the room commented that he had no trouble redeeming his code on the same website. At this point, male pride was at stake. On one side, an individual who actually suffered at the hands of corporate america or is too impatient and/or inept himself to navigate a simple website. On the other side, the luckiest man on the planet or someone who also finds it hard to believe that corporate america doesn't have its own website figured out. The truth? The website contained a place to input the code then, as it does now.

Unfortunately, the man supposedly robbed of his ability to input his promotional code chose to simply repeat his story once again, as if saying it louder and with more colorful language made us all believe that it was the corporation's fault and not the user's. Even though this man is a devout republican, his repetitive anti-corporate america rant made him sound more like a democrat.

In the end, we are all reminded that reading the instruction manual, being patient, and not clicking on the first hyper-colored flashing link that pops on the screen are good behaviors. So remember - bitch less, especially when the thing you are bitching about spent millions of dollars to make sure your bitch won't stick.**

**This blog should not be construed as a waiver of any statements contained in prior blogs about how much Comcast sucks. They spend billions and still can't get a fucking idiot to my door within a 2 hour window or keep my cable and internet operating at even a one sigma level of quality, much less a six sigma.

I thought so

In previous posts I have bitched about the quality of customer service out here on the east coast. Perhaps my bitches were a bit broad . . . as the Washington Business Journal has narrowed it down from the entire coast to D.C. and Baltimore. It feels good to know I'm not crazy and that my observations were not merely the result of self-pity.


D.C., Baltimore Score Supreme In Being Slow
Washington Business Journal
by Neil Adler
Staff Reporter

If you are looking to take out money from your local bank, buy groceries, purchase clothes or other consumer items, prepare to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Washington and Baltimore have the ignominious distinction of being the two slowest cities in the United States when it comes to customer service. In a survey by the Mystery Shopping Providers Association, which collected more than 10,000 responses from mystery shoppers throughout North America, Baltimore and Washington had ratings of 5.13 and 4.58, respectively, worst among the cities measured.

What that means is in Baltimore people on average wait 5 minutes, 13 seconds, for their purchase or activity, while in the District it is 4 minutes 58 seconds. On the flip side, those with the top two scores are Phoenix, at 3 minutes 5 seconds, and Portland, Ore., at 3 minutes 30 seconds.

Baltimore also had the worst return ratio, at 77.3 percent. This means that only 77.3 percent of shoppers would return to the same site in Baltimore based on the wait time. D.C., mirroring its slow wait time, came in second worst, at 77.6 percent.