Gym Terrorism
All morning I debated whether to go to my local Washington Sports Club (WSC) today. I went. I should have listened to my inner couch potato.
Upon returning to the lockerroom after 45 minutes of elliptical bliss, I found my blue and silver MasterLock dangling from its broken latch. I immediately inspected the area around me for IEDs. Seeing none, I sniffed the air for biological agents. Detecting none, I approached my locker.
Inside, my Victorinox gym bag was not. I experienced a brief moment of panic/a rush that I want to legally experience again, wow. I searched for a ransom note. There was none. Not that I would ever negotiate with kidnappers, but it would be nice to know my bag wasn't in some dumpster somewhere alongside an abandoned baby.
My brain frozen and unable to immediately recall the vast inventory of items contained in my gym bag, I came to a huge realization. My phone and wallet were not in my bag - I had left them in my jeans pockets. Hoping the thief was less than thorough, I pulled my jeans from the locker and felt that wonderful relief that comes with knowing your life has not been totally ruined. My phone, my wallet, my life, were still mine.
Two hours later I had successfully filed a report with the gym manager and the police. It is a commentary on what I hold dear when I consider myself lucky to have only lost a pair of designer sunglass, an ipod, and a flashdrive with enough information to reconstruct my life. The two other guys who had their lockers busted into were not so lucky - both had their wallets stolen, and one lost his phone.
This whole experience made me realize we need to be tougher on terrorism. Yes, this is terrorism. Any crime in Washington, DC is terrorism in my book. I'm not saying it was Al Qaeda . . . but if the terrorist is never caught and his true identity revealed, he will eventually be an Al Qaeda operative by the 70th time I've told this story. And I think I'm going to vote Republican this fall. Most of the nation believes the Republicans are tougher on terrorism, so I might as well believe it, too. As a victim of terrorism, you can't argue with my political views . . . you just have to accept everything I say lest you disrespect the memory of my beloved gym bag. If you would like to donate to this victim of the WSC terror attack, please leave a comment about how much you are willing to donate and I might get in contact with you.
Upon returning to the lockerroom after 45 minutes of elliptical bliss, I found my blue and silver MasterLock dangling from its broken latch. I immediately inspected the area around me for IEDs. Seeing none, I sniffed the air for biological agents. Detecting none, I approached my locker.
Inside, my Victorinox gym bag was not. I experienced a brief moment of panic/a rush that I want to legally experience again, wow. I searched for a ransom note. There was none. Not that I would ever negotiate with kidnappers, but it would be nice to know my bag wasn't in some dumpster somewhere alongside an abandoned baby.
My brain frozen and unable to immediately recall the vast inventory of items contained in my gym bag, I came to a huge realization. My phone and wallet were not in my bag - I had left them in my jeans pockets. Hoping the thief was less than thorough, I pulled my jeans from the locker and felt that wonderful relief that comes with knowing your life has not been totally ruined. My phone, my wallet, my life, were still mine.
Two hours later I had successfully filed a report with the gym manager and the police. It is a commentary on what I hold dear when I consider myself lucky to have only lost a pair of designer sunglass, an ipod, and a flashdrive with enough information to reconstruct my life. The two other guys who had their lockers busted into were not so lucky - both had their wallets stolen, and one lost his phone.
This whole experience made me realize we need to be tougher on terrorism. Yes, this is terrorism. Any crime in Washington, DC is terrorism in my book. I'm not saying it was Al Qaeda . . . but if the terrorist is never caught and his true identity revealed, he will eventually be an Al Qaeda operative by the 70th time I've told this story. And I think I'm going to vote Republican this fall. Most of the nation believes the Republicans are tougher on terrorism, so I might as well believe it, too. As a victim of terrorism, you can't argue with my political views . . . you just have to accept everything I say lest you disrespect the memory of my beloved gym bag. If you would like to donate to this victim of the WSC terror attack, please leave a comment about how much you are willing to donate and I might get in contact with you.
posted by J.r.n at 5:53 PM
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